Thoughts on the Heroes premiere - IN REAL TIME.

Hey kids! Watching the premiere of Heroes Volume 5: Redemption? Be sure to print this note out so you can have my thoughts while watching it! It's like Mystery Science Theater 3000, but with more cursing!


1:20 - So the new villains are the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants. Except one is an old guy and their leader is the guy who sells weed in the back alley.

3:30 - We just buried our friend and vowed vengeance. Now, let's go to the carnival.

4:50 -
Amy: What do your parents do?
Claire: My mom breeds championship dogs and my dad hunts down and kills mutants. I mean, shit, uh, he does government work. Yeah, that's guaranteed to raise no eyebrows.

7:05 - What? Yes you have! You've never ever expressed attraction to Hiro's sister ever.

10:00 - So Peter is Beast now. Huh.

10:52 - Does the author of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies work on Heroes or something? That's surprisingly well-planned product placement.

11:26 - Claire's under attack! Bet it's a dream sequence!

11:27 - Called it.

13:10 - Would you just look at all the rapport these two have! I feel like I already know guy-who's-friends-with-Peter.

13:35 - OMG Kitty

15:40 - "Plan?! What plan?!" Finally, Bennet says what the viewers have been thinking for the last two seasons.

17:00 - That far shot of Bennet drowning in his car cracked me up for some reason.

17:30 - Jeez, Danko, you could have hit Bennet when you shot the window out! Trained professional my ass.

27:30 - What? Your plan's not working Angela? The plan where Sylar kills your son, Nathan, then you make Matt use his erratic (at best) powers to make Sylar, a psychopath who can steal other people's powers, believe that he's Nathan? That plan? That brilliant plan? Because let me tell you, I am filled with shock and disbelief to find that this isn't playing out the way you thought it would!

28:40 -
Mr. Bennet: Hi, I was just talking to your roommate.
Claire: Cool. So what kept you?
Mr. Bennet: Tracy tried to kill me again. I mean, shit, uh, car trouble. Yeah, that's guaranteed to raise no eyebrows.

31:05 - She can show the future through the tattoos on her body? Cool, but I think it's just an excuse to have a topless lady on screen.

31:40 - Oh it's Samuel's power. Yeah, it's an excuse to have a topless lady on screen.

35:50 - OMG OMG The Haitian's back! Holy shit! He's doing the thing! OMG OMG

36:20 - OMG OMG Peter has the exact same ring tone I have!

38:20 - Called it. Danko's dead.

40:40 - Taking bets. Gretchen's power is the ability to play Guitar Hero REALLY WELL.

48:10 - Sylar set up shop in Matt's head? That's actually kinda cool.

49:50 - Oh this is just pathetic, Mr. Bennet. It's the saddest I've ever seen you.

53:00 - I'm being shown an ad for condoms. I'm watching Heroes for God's sake, I don't think I'm in your target audience.

58:40 - OH SNAP, Ando's macking on Hiro's sister!

1:01:15 - lol, Matt's being an asshole.

1:04:15 - He's way fast. No joke. And awesome with knives for reals.

1:08:23 - (Regarding Peter and Knife-Guy's fight) Bahaha this is retarded.

1:08:40 - Ray Park should fire his agent - he's been getting his ass kicked all night in this show.

1:11:10 - OMG this girl used "defenestrated" in a sentence. That's my kind of gal.

1:13:37 - I'm looking at my notes for this section and all it really says is "I <3 Sylar" over and over again.

1:14:40 - OMG Sylar just gave the best :o face. I need a screencap, stat!

1:16:30 -
Sylar: OMG He's lying, totally lying. Look at his lying face, he's such a liar liar pants on fire, nose as long as a telephone wire.
Matt: Shut up!

1:16:55 - Come on, bro! All the cool kids are using their horrific mind control powers! Don't be a square!

1:17:05 - Come on, you're really worried about the goddamn water guy screwing your wife? Really? For serious?

1:19:10 - Someone fire Ali Larter already.



And that's that.

And in case the guy who tried to sell me his home-recorded rap CDs on my way home from the sandwich place is reading this, you seriously need to get a better publicist. You've been reduced to begging on the streets. Judging by the CD cover, you've got a decent graphic design artist working for you, so the rest of your marketing team needs to step up.